Back in the saddle again… September 6, 2009

… though admittedly half assed.

I’ve emailed a few guys on OkCupid; nothing too promising though. I’ve got a short dialogue going with one guy, but it’s like pulling teeth. My gut is telling me he’s not interested, but he keeps writing back. I’ll blog that if anything comes of it.

Then of course there’s gems like this:

Hi, how are you doing? I am just few mins odd in the site and I decided to search for a beauty queen when your profile and pic appeared on my computer screen.

I think I have just found the treasure of preciours stones.
I do care for more chat…

Messenge me if you like my style…Alvero Eduardo

He almost got me with the “treasure of precious stones” line!

And this piece of work. I bet he sent this message to every female on OkCupid. Playing the law of large numbers I guess. I’d love to know how that turns out for him.

hello how are you? would you like to talk and see if we connect? what i’m looking for on here is my best friend, and lover, i’d like to have it be something serious ending in marriage someday, but i’m ok with taking things slow to and have it casual for a bit before making it serious… but i’m kinda hoping to find that person sooner rather then later, i’m very ready to have someone in my life and for me its all or nothing… while im ok with being friends for now i do want that friendship to grow to be much more… If i don’t get a reply i understand, since we do live really far away and even though is this is a dating site i realize what im looking for isn’t really something alot on here are looking for, but i hope you at least keep an open mind about giving things a chance.

I have half a mind to rip that guy a new one, but he might take it as encouragement.

OkCupid now has it’s own blog, where they will give advice to hopeless schleps like me. The first post is about how shorter is better when it comes to messages. I skimmed over all the graphs and tables (too impatient for something that detailed) but the takeaway was this:

The graph clearly shows that in raw terms, it helps guys to write longer messages… we find that the actual ideal first message length is 200 characters.

For women, brevity is even more in demand… Apparently, after about 360 words (1800 characters), you start scaring people off…

Incredibly enough, the optimal first outreach from a woman to a man is just 50 characters long! I’m willing to speculate that this graph is telling us that a guy decides whether or not to reply to a woman’s message regardless of what the message actually says. The first message’s true function is to bring her profile to his attention.

My guess is that he looks at her picture and if she’s his type, he writes back. On the one hand, such a superficial reality is depressing.

So I guess all I really need to write is “Hey check me out.” 50 characters is barely anything! If I write my name at the bottom that makes it less than 45 characters! Here are some examples of brief messages:

• Let me know if you want to grab a drink sometime. (48)
• Hey how’s it going? (17)
• You look cool. Let’s grab a drink. (34)
• Want to get a cup of coffee? (28)

I already knew it was all about looks, but this just solidifies it. Sigh. Do these rules apply for lesbians? Are single lesbian online daters allowed to write more than 50 characters to one another? Are there any guys out there that appreciate more than 50 characters, or is less truly more?

Footy June 17, 2009

We picked up another guy for our Wednesday indoor soccer team (no he’s not single) and he let us know about some pickup games happening at Wallace Park every MWF at noon. Jane and I went last Friday, and I’ve been back twice this week. I love soccer. LOVE it. And soccer players are H-O-T. Especially the ones that can pull off white shorts.

So anyway, when Jane and I showed up Friday, we were 2 of 4 girls total, in a group of 20+ guys. Monday and Wednesday I was the only girl out of about 15-20 guys. So the odds are in my favor. I’ve already heard several of the guys mention “girlfriends” so I’m eliminating my options slowly. Actually, in all the years I’ve played soccer and all the coed teams I’ve played on, I’ve never picked up a guy, so trust me, this is not a proven method. Anything but.

That’s not the point of this post however. The above was just to give some background and context for the conversation that took place. After the game, a couple of the guys announced that they were going to Pepino’s for lunch, and everyone was welcome to join them. I decided to go; hey, what else have I got to do? (Seriously, since school ended I’ve been kind of lost. Not sure what to do with myself.)

So I met Han and Dante at Pepino’s, turns out they’re super nice guys. Conversation was very basic: what do you do, where are you from, etc. Dante went to school in Missoula, MT, and since I spent a year in Bozeman, MT we had a little chat about how awesome Montana is- until you want to make some money. Dante mentioned that it was a really small state (opportunity wise), and he was really liking Portland though he’s only been here 8 months. Then he said “And the dating scene here is nice. It’s really easy.”

Whaaaa? I’m pretty sure I looked at him like he was crazy. Then I said “Tell me everything you know!” We all had a good laugh at my expense, then started joking around about sandwich boards and wind dancers (see pic below) and other ways to get attention.

Single and desperate!

So seriously, what else do I have to do to find someone to date? (I’m sure all available guys can smell the desperation about a mile away.) I was talking to Reed the other day, and telling her how I was feeling regret for turning Snoopy down. Maybe he was like a diamond in the rough! (Don’t worry, Reed slapped some sense into me.)

Any advice? What am I doing wrong? What should I try? Thoughts, ideas, criticisms… I don’t want to have to wear a sandwich board but I will if I have to. Maybe during Last Thursday on Alberta or some other popular street fair. I won’t be offended if you pretend not to know me.

In need of some advice June 9, 2009

I haven’t heard back from Dave. I thought we had a fun date a few weeks ago, and when he said “I’ll call you next week” I honestly thought he meant it. But he didn’t call.

So here’s the dilemma: my Match.com membership ends tomorrow, and I am not renewing. Do I shoot an email to Dave giving him my real email address? Or do I just assume that he has my phone number, and he can contact me that way if he wants to?

Am I thinking about this too much? Comments welcome.

The response to my advice June 3, 2009

Heard back from Snoopy:

hey Karen. it kind of sucks to be told that, but i appreciate it. i didn’t email you after a while. i just did it b/c i thought you were cool.

but i won’t email anymore. call it growing some balls or just being grownup.
thanks for the tips, the good and bad ideas. you’re pretty bright for seeing these things.
Snoopy

Poor Snoops. I hope he finds someone nice.

Poor Snoopy June 2, 2009

Here’s how I responded to Snoopy’s pathetic email:

Snoopy,

Thanks for trying again but I’m still not interested. However, I’d like to help you out by telling you some things.

Girls do NOT like insecure guys. Lack of confidence is a turn off for most, if not all, girls. I’d like for you to man up and grow some goddamn balls. Even if you’re not feeling confident, your emails shouldn’t reflect that.

Here are some examples:
GOOD: Hey there, I checked out your profile and you seem pretty cool. Want to grab some coffee or a beer sometime?
BAD: You probably don’t want to, but if maybe you do, maybe we could meet for coffee. I don’t know, it’s a stupid idea, but if you want to meet me then that would be cool. It’s okay if you don’t though.

I hope you can see the difference in the above two examples.

And here are a few more tips:
- If a girl doesn’t write back, don’t write her again.
- In your profile, you write: “it’d be great to email and hopefully maybe hang out.” Remove the word “hopefully”.
- When you send a first message to someone, reference something in their profile that you think is cool/neat/interesting. Then they’ll know you’ve actually read it.

Anyway, I hope that you can take this advice to heart. I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings. I’m sure you’re a nice guy, you just need to get a bit of a clue.

Best of luck,
Karen

I hope it helps him.

Also, am I just happy to have the chance to be mean, or is this considered a good deed? I’m undecided.

June 1, 2009

I find this rather odd and pathetic… Remember “Snoopy”, the guy who was super insecure? He wrote me AGAIN. It made me sad actually.

hi karen,
i already know you don’t want to meet me so i guess i don’t know why i’m asking. but its worth a try just in. you don’t have to oblige me, its silly, i know. well, if you think i’m cool after all, i don’t know how it’d work but it’d be great to chat sometime. beer/coffee?
snoopy

Should I just ignore him, or respond and tell him to grow some goddamn balls?

Date #2 with Dave May 29, 2009

Dave and I were supposed to touch base when he got back from his rafting trip after Memorial Day weekend, so I sent him an email Wednesday asking about his trip and if he wanted to grab a drink this week. He wrote back Thursday morning saying that daytime Thursday or Friday worked for him. I had about 2 hours between group meetings on Thursday, so I emailed back proposing meeting right then. I realized he wouldn’t be in front of his computer on such a beautiful day (who would be, except students with about 2 weeks of school left?) so I said that, and said I’d send him a text as well.

I sent a text around 2:30, but didn’t hear back until almost 4:30, when I had a conference call with my ALP team (Alchemy Goods, holla!) But I said I’d be able to meet a little after 5. (Now you guys know why I insisted our meeting stay at 30 minutes like we planned!) I had another meeting with my RQM team at 7:30, so it seemed like a good window to get a drink.

Truthfully, it was NOT a good window to get a drink. I SHOULD have spent more time working with my ALP group. I SHOULD have taken Lola for a long walk, instead of the 5 minute sprint around the block. I SHOULD have met Jane for Last Thursday like we planned. I SHOULD have shown up for my 7:30 meeting sober. Here’s what happened instead.

Totally unrealistic to think that I could meet at 5:15. Around 5:10 I realized that I needed to walk Lola, so we did a fast, 2 square blocks walk. I am a shitty dog mom. So at 5:15, I’m just leaving my house when Dave calls. Turns out he was not there yet and was running a little late. Bonus points that he called to let me know! Though it worked out well that we were both late.

We met at the Mash Tun brewpub. Last Thursday on Alberta was happening, but it wasn’t quite crazy yet. He was cute like I remembered, and looked nice and tan from his rafting trip. We talked about that for awhile, and how I had been sick all weekend. Made some small talk. He’s training for a triathlon so had just gone for a long swim. I’m almost done with school for the year, so we talked about that. He thought it was insane that an online program made you have group projects. He took online classes to get his degree, but never had group projects. That got us talking about school, and education. Also, I recently reread Ishmael and My Ishmael and The Story of B, all by Daniel Quinn (excellent books that everyone should read.) So I asked “What do you think of the educational system in America?”

That led to a pretty lengthy and impassioned discussion about education, and ended up including the economy, Obama, marijuana, prostitution, gay marriage and abortion. Whoops! That could have gone wrong a million different ways, but fortunately everything seemed to stay in safe territory and we seemed to be on the same page about things. I kind of apologized for taking the conversation to such a serious place, but we lightened it up and moved on to other things. It was actually nice to have a stimulating conversation on a date, and not such a Q&A style. The dog park date had okay conversation, but we stood the whole time and constantly had our eye on our dogs (He was making sure his dog didn’t run away, I was making sure Lola didn’t eat anybody.) So it was nice to just sit down and talk.

Around this time I’m thinking shit, I’m supposed to be meeting Jane at Last Thursday! But I’m having a good time with Dave so I decide to ditch her. (Jane, I love you. I am a shitty friend and I will make it up to you soon. Maybe things will work out with Dave, and I’m sure he has some hot friends. I will give you first pick.) So I tell Dave that I missed a call and I needed to step outside for a second. I let Jane know I was ditching her. Again, I am a shitty friend. But I knew she’d understand.

So I’m onto my second beer at this point, and Dave and I keep talking. The conversation is flowing pretty good. Nothing huge, just little things. Earlier in the evening I noticed that he was wearing a Nixon watch, which I thought was awesome (as I also wear a Nixon watch.) So it was interesting when he remarked “Is that a Nixon watch you’re wearing?” He asked me if anything was written on the back (The Grace: No watch is closer to the truth). I then told him I had noticed his watch, and he showed me what was on the back (The Graduate: COUGAR BAIT) which I thought was hilarious. He said he owned the watch for a long time before he ever noticed that was there.

It’s starting to get crowded now, and I’m almost done with my beer (#2). He’s almost done with his beer (#3). So we finish up and start laughing about the fact that I’m now drunk and now have to go do work. We walked outside to our bikes and he said that he’s going out of town this weekend, but would call me next week to get together again. I told him that I was leaving for school next weekend, and I was going to be pretty busy with school work all week, but that I would love to get together for a lunch break or something. So we left it that he is going to call me next weekend.

I thought we had a good time. He’s cute and smart and funny and has a smokin’ body. We seem pretty compatible, but I am going to wait until he initiates hanging out again. It’s not “game playing” necessarily, I just want to know if he is interested. And since he said he’d call me, I’ll just take him at his word.

Good date overall, and I hope he calls next week. I’ll try not to schedule any group meetings afterwards (although I felt like we were kind of productive! Maybe it was because I was drunk?) Can’t wait until school is done…

Tony! Toni! Toné! May 26, 2009

Looking back, that first date with Tony went well, but I had some reservations. I’m sure he did too. We had a nice time, but I don’t think either of us would have cared too much if we didn’t go on another date. After today, I feel certain that I probably wouldn’t have heard from him again. But since I’m giving this dating crap 110%, I decided to heed Jim’s advice and try again.

I spent a few hours studying at the tea house today, and around 5:30 I decided to text Tony and see if he wanted to get a drink. The way we left it after our Flight of the Conchords date last week was to possibly get together again, perhaps this weekend. I’ve been pretty sick the last few days, so I wasn’t in any type of shape to do anything. I figured I’d see if Tony wanted to meet up for a drink at the last minute, since I was in his neighborhood. I texted him, but he had never actually programmed my number into his phone, so he didn’t know who it was. I almost just dropped it at that point… Anyway, he was game and we met for a drink at the Alleyway.

We didn’t feel as compatible this time around. I think it might be because he thinks I’m interested in him, and he’s not interested in me, so he feels awkward. At this point I don’t think I am interested in him. Due to these dynamics, I found it hard to be comfortable and contribute much to the conversation. It felt like he didn’t want to encourage me, as if asking me questions about myself would lead me to believe that he liked me, so he mainly talked about himself. And I’m good at keeping that conversation going, but when I tried to add anything it just kind of fell flat.

I’m not sure if I’m describing it accurately. Or maybe I’m just reading into it too much! I just want to say to him, “Look, dude. We live in the same neighborhood, have similar schedules and interests. Let’s be buds.” That would relieve all the pressures and expectations. And I do think I’d like to be friends with him. If nothing else, I could learn so much: he’s really smart, and has lots of experience as an entrepreneur with start up companies. That’s an area that I’m interested in. (And actually, that’s what we mostly talked about tonight, since I was the one asking all the questions!)

We had two drinks each and a plate of nachos. I had already bought my first drink but he picked up the tab for the rest of it. I offered money, but he said I could get it the next time. And when we said goodbye he again initiated the hug, and said “Let’s get together again.” Though that was what he said last time… Who knows?

The date with Gator May 22, 2009

It went well! We met at Costello’s Travel Cafe on Broadway, which is one of my favorite places. They’ve been playing episodes from Season 1 of Flight of the Conchords every Thursday, and since Gator said he liked that show, I suggested we meet.

I got there about a half hour early with some reading for school and grabbed some tea. Gator (whose name turns out to be Tony) was right on time and looked like he does in his photos. He grabbed a beer and then we sat and talked before FotC started. It was a little awkward, like all first conversations are.

I like meeting and getting to know new people, but the dynamic of meeting a “blind date” always throws things off a little. You both know you’re there for potentially romantic reasons. You also know that you’re both probably shopping other people. But even though you’re both there to find a partner, you can’t act too desperate. You have to pretend that your life is full and satisfying without a significant other in it. Like you just happened to stumble upon their profile on Match.com and somehow ended up a date with them.

Anyway, back to Tony and the travel cafe. There are two things that set off my red alert radar. One, his name is Tony. I can’t put too much stock into that opinion. There’s nothing he can do about his name. Two, he resembles Zack Shirtoff, this guy I know and sometimes butt heads with. For people who don’t know Zack, I’ll just say that “Shirtoff” is NOT actually his last name. That’s kind of his last name nickname, since he always has his shirt off while climbing. He’s that guy.

Anyway, so Tony kind of reminds me of Zack: he’s a little cocky and sure of himself, he seems pretty personable and social, and thinks he’s funny. (And actually he is funny, but he knows it.) So that was a little bit of a turn off, but as the night went on I got over it. We watched 4 episodes of Flight of the Conchords, talking in between episodes and afterwards. We were the last people to leave the cafe, which I thought was a good sign. The staff locked the door and were cleaning up around us.

He initiated the hug when we said goodbye, and mentioned getting together again. We exchanged phone numbers. I know he is around town this weekend, so there’s a slight possibility of another date soon.

Overall, I was more attracted to Dave, (aka OutdoorMustache) but I think that Tony and I might be more compatible. Dave is so incredibly active, it’s actually kind of intimidating. Then again, I could use a little bit more of that in my life. I’ve gotten so lazy in the past year, and have totally given up climbing. But I miss it. So maybe having that influence would be good for me.

Meanwhile… May 20, 2009

Have a date set up for tomorrow evening, with “Gator”, a 35 year old Montana native who likes Lost and Flight of the Conchords, started his own company and is big into camping. His profile was entertaining, so I wrote him what I thought was an entertaining email. His response left a bit to be desired, but was positive in that he wanted to get together. So that gave me a little bit of a weird vibe. I mean, why even join Match if you’re not going to try? Maybe I’m being too picky. But I’m definitely going to be listening to my gut on this one.